Monday, November 25, 2013

A Little Piece of Perfect

When i find a peaceful moment in the day to just sit and not worry about work, homework, or Leighton, i like to hold Emersyn in my arms. I sit and wonder what she must be dreaming or who she might remember or what things are to come in her life. 




Babies are so sweet and innocent and even smell so lovely. Emersyn really is nothing short of perfect. She has not been flawed yet, hasn't said her first "no" or ran away from me screaming in the grocery store. (obviously toddlers are not perfect) 



She is so beautiful and soft. Her coos melt my heart and her little smile takes my breath away. I wish she could stay this way forever. Small enough to fit in my arms and small enough to want to be there.


  

Leightons First Snow Day

The past week has been nothing but tiring and stressful. I had a list of a dozen things i needed to get done but only one thing on my mind and it wasn't getting finished very quickly. I had two papers that were due last Sunday and i had the hardest time writing them. Luckily i really do have the coolest professor who let me have more time to finish them. Even with researching all week i could not put my thoughts on paper very well and i wrote and rewrote way too many times. Finally Thursday evening i was finished and felt like i could breathe again. My home had been totally neglected and so had my babies, especially Leighton. So I promised myself i would make the day about her. 

We woke up Friday morning to a backyard full of fresh snow. It had been one of the first times i had waken up before her since having Emersyn and i waited anxiously for her to get up and see are new white yard. As soon as she stumbled down the stairs i ran her over to back door and we eewwed and awwwed over all the white. Leighton was so curious. Of course we had snow last year but I am sure she doesn't remember it and she definitely wasn't old enough to play in it. 



She was sooo careful at first, stepping on it softly and listened to it crunch under her boot, then she tip toed to the back of the yard and eventually picked up a handful and tried to eat it. After that she gave up her bottle and went crazy running laps with Tiffany. Our boots have now made their home by the back door until the snow is officially gone. It was honestly the best way to spend some quality time with my little girl. I can't wait for more fun days that will come with the snow.



Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Perfect Weekend

Two weekends ago (Em's first weekend home) we had a full schedule planned out. Including a wedding on Saturday and a family reunion on Sunday we were going to be crazy and venture out if Cedar with our 1 week old and attend these two much anticipated events. I am a planner and I have a need for human interaction and being pregnant only made it worse and almost obsessive (okay very obsessive). I fixated on any little future event as much as possible to keep myself busy and in check. When Kaden told me he felt like we should skip out on our plans for Em's sake and ours (we both had numerous papers due) I had to hold back a little anxiety attack and I try to remind myself I just had a baby. Obviously I was not in the right state of mind because I quickly wanted to add a 5k to my Saturday and was pretty upset I didn't have a chance to see if I could even run around the block.


Our weekend turned out to be exactly what I needed. We didn't do anything that was previously planned. We woke up each day as a family and Kaden even let me sleep in and took care of Leighton both Saturday and Sunday. We spent time with my parents, ran some errands with out the girls and took Leighton to then park and on a walk. We both were even able to get several papers finished and turned in. 


The best part of our weekend was that we spent it completely together. Kaden and I helped each other with everything. We took turns with the girls, took turns with cleaning up and overall reassured each other that we can handle everything we do and have two kids. It was exactly what I needed to help ease some moving anxiety I've been feeling since having Emersyn. It reminded me of how much Kaden really does love and care for me and our family and helped me to get out of my obsessive planning need that I had going on. It really was exactly what I needed.

 


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Two Weeks Old {a few days late}



Emersyn is already two weeks old now and I feel like I should be saying only rather than already. It has seemed so natural bringing her home that it's like she has always been a part of our family. She is so sweet and easy. Honestly an eater, sleeper and lover all around. Emersyn is so beautiful and perfect and I never imagined I would be able to feel this way again. I look at her in awe everytime I hold her. She is so strong and alert. Seriously i am afraid to leave her on the couch because she moves so much. I wonder how my babies are able to come out holding up their own heads and ready to roll. She has grown already weighing 7 pounds and 14 ounces and her looks have changed so much already too, still nothing like Leighton though. Leighton is warming up to her and by warming up I mean she has small moments when she wants to look at her or hold her but besides that she acknowledges her by dragging her out of the bouncer or smacking her in the head with toys. I prefer to think she loves her though, especially when she does something sweet like the picture below. All Leighton wanted to do was hold babies hand.

 

I am recovering really quickly this time physically but emotionally I don't really know yet. Last week when I came home feeling invincible should have been a red flag. Honestly hours after having Em I was up in the hospital room balancing on my toes trying to get the perfect pictures of our newborn. I walked myself out to the car when I went home and I went on with life like nothing was much different. After only a week of being home i was already trying to plan out my next races. I was even a little upset when Kaden told me he thought I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to ask him if he realized what I had just accomplished only a week before (I should have been asking myself that instead though). This week I went on feeling the same way until I tried on my beautiful new Anthropologie dress I had been planning on wearing for family pictures this weekend and my boobs were too big. Then when I went shopping for a new outfit I wanted to die when I could barely squeeze into size 4 pants and had to buy an oversized sweater to cover my new found love handles. It didn't help at all that my sister smiled and said its nice to see me look normal. I don't feel normal I feel huge and after only two weeks I know that I should be so happy with my body but I am kind of ready to trade it in for a new one. Thursday I spent most of the day just crying. I hate medical bills, I hate insurance, and I hate that Leighton has gone so crazy all I wanted to do was lay in my bed in a ball and sleep. Of course Kaden was gone hunting though and I honestly thought I would be totally fine on my own. If I don't stick to a daily routine and make my bed and take a shower as soon as I wake up I'm afraid I won't leave my room all day. I hope that this will soon be over and I won't be dealing with these hormones for too long. I get so nervous when I think of how depressed and alone it felt after having Leighton. I have been trying to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to accomplish everything on my lists or fit into my old clothes or run for months but it's hard to come to terms with the fact that having a baby means completely starting over again.

Luckily Emersyn is little and perfect and I find so much Joy just in holding her. It probably would be smart if i could convince myself to slow down and remember she will be Leighton's size in a short year and a half.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

November {part 1}

How is it already November? This year has gone by so fast. I honestly feel like it should be just starting still, but i am sure glad that it is already the eleventh month. I have always loved November. Every year i challenge myself to look back and remind myself each day of something i am truly thankful for and why. I usually post about it on facebook but this year i want it to be more special and personal than that. So i decided i would put it on here instead. Obviously I am a few days behind but for good reason. Beautiful miss Emersyn joined us on the 1st (only making this month even more special).

I am thankful for...

01- the ability i have to have children. Several years ago i was told it wouldn't be easy to get pregnant and with our first daughter it really wasn't. We now have two absolutely beautiful little girls. Both pregnancies have been easy and deliveries have gone smoothly. Having a child it truly a miracle, so many things have to work out just right in order to bring a new life into this world.


02- my husband. Kaden and I do not always have the easiest marriage but we do always have a good one. Kaden has been so supportive of me and all that i strive to do. He has encouraged me to finish school, start businesses, stay healthy and do the things i love. He works hard so i can stay home with our girls. He is still in school so he can have an education and a good job. He plays, cuddles and reads to our girls and i know that our family is the most important thing to him. I am so proud of him and i couldn't feel more thankful that 5 years ago he asked me to marry him. 

03- Leighton. I have always felt like she was the missing piece to the family Kaden and I had been praying for. The moment she arrived she filled our lives with so much love and joy. She has been my perfect side kick for the past year and a half and i know will be the perfect big sister.


04- Emersyn. Although she has only been in our lives for 5 days now it feels like she has always been here. Emersyn was definetly a surprise but she is also our little miracle. We can already tell there was a reason for him coming into our lives right now.

05- mine and Kaden's mom. Both of our moms were able to spend several days in Cedar after Emersyn was born and both were willing to help with anything we needed. Our moms were also both able to be there when Emersyn was born. They love us so much and maybe our girls even more. I am so loving to have two amazing women to spoil Leighton and Emersyn and two women who they can always rely on and look up to as Kaden and I have.


06- my sisters. Each of my sisters tends to teach me something different. We don't always get along or understand one another but we do always love eachother. It's funny to think of how different we are all turning out but how alike we are at the same time. I am thankful to be the oldest and to be able to watch the three of them grow up.


07- mine and Kaden's dads. We have learned so many things  from them but especially how to be hard workers and how to get through hard things. Our dads have taught us the value of family by the way they love and take care of theirs. And both of them turn into big teddy bears for our girls and love spending time with them.


08- our home. I can not believe we have owned our own home for 3 1/2 years now. It has been such a huge blessing to live in the same place and not have to worry about landlords. We have made our house really ours and have brought both our daughters home to it. I feel safe here and at peace. It's our own little haven from the world. 

09- amazing friends. I don't have a lot of people that I am close to, but the ones that I am are amazing. I couldn't have better examples to associate with. Through hard times and good we are there for eachother and there isn't anything nicer than to know I have people I can share my life with outside of family.


10- the opportunity I have had to help start a business this year. It has been a crazy start and will definitely continue to be an adventure as we move back east and to the south, but also a huge blessing. 

11- the opportunity I have had to travel so much this year. I have fallen in love with new places and seen a difference in how other people in other cities are. It has helped make me excited to move and made me appreciate Cedar more at the same time. Traveling always teaches me different things and clears my mind of worries. It's made life exciting and I can't wait to try traveling two babies now.


12- Cedar City, we have loved here for 4 years now and i can't believe I've actually grown to like it here. This past year I had time to enjoy its beauty and festivals. I have made great friends and been able to explore the city with Leighton. For a  small place it's offered quite a bit to do that I never realized before. 

13- modern medicine. When i fell a couple weeks ago and was unsure how Emersyn was doing I was able to go to the hospital and hear her heart beat. It was such a beautiful and reassuring sound. 

14- the power of the priesthood and the knowledge I have of the LDS gospel. I have had a few priesthood blessings this year and each one has helped me to know what to do, comforted me and helped me to feel at peace with the Lord's will.


15- the love I've gained for running and hiking. It helps me to relieve so much of my stress and to feel better all around. I know it has helped my pregnancies and labors to be easy and now hopefully my postpartum recovery as well. 



Saturday, November 2, 2013

Emersyn Hope

Early this morning Kaden and I crawled out of bed to our waiting bags and a past out Leighton to head to the Hospital. I was scheduled to be induced at 3:00 am but we arrived around 4:00. After getting settled in to the delivery room and going through paperwork I was started on potosin around 5:00. Emersyn was stubborn just like Leighton. I hadn't been progressing much and was only dilated to a 3 1/2 when Dr. Polson broke my water at 6:30. 



Kaden and I slept as much as we could until the hard contractions began. Somehow we were much calmer going into this labor. Maybe because we knew what to expect and because last time went so well, or maybe because even after 40 weeks of pregnancy we still could not believe we were being blessed with another daughter. At 9:30 after feeling very nauseas and dry heaving through contractions I opted for an epidural. Kaden was so sweet and rubbed my back and waited on me through every contraction.

 When it came to the epidural he stood right in front of me and let me squeeze his hand so tight that it hurt. As soon as he was asked how he was doing and he shortly replied that he was fine, he hit the ground. I had just said you sat last time because my dad past out before and then he was out. It took a minute for him to come around but luckily our nurse caught his head so he wasn't hurt and he provided a good laugh for everyone in labor and delivery. 

Both My mom and Nancy came to the room shortly after Kaden's fall and played the waiting game with us. I wasn't checked again until 11:30 and at that point was a 6 1/2. I had no idea how much longer we would wait for but did not expect to start feeling ready to push only 20 minutes later. After 15 minutes of feeling pushing pressure I decided to let the nurse know I thought I was ready and she confirmed it. As soon as Dr. Polson walked in he calmly helped me into position and just said push when your ready. I never struggled or even felt out breath. Even while pushing and Emersyn began making her way into the world everything felt so unreal. As she came out I realized the cord was around her neck and she was very purple, somehow I never felt worried for her. I quickly said I wanted her and she was laid on my stomach while the Doctor and nurse got her crying. As soon as she was breathing on her own she cuddled right up to me. It was a perfect moment. I was blessed with so much peace and knew everything was alright. In a moment that could have been panic I felt like everything was so perfect. I know she had some special angela helping her to be well. The spirit that filled the room was overwhelming for me.


Finally at 12:18 our little miracle had arrived, weighing 7 pounds and 8 ounces, and was 19.5 inches long. She was healthy, came very easily and was welcomed into the world by so many people who truly love her. Kaden and I still felt like it was so unreal. We still do actually. How In such a short amount of time were we blessed with two amazing spirits from heaven? We couldn't be more honored to have Emersyn join our family. Leighton has been a little skeptical so far and isn't sure what to think of her new baby sister but I know in time she will love her and understand just how special "baby sister" really is. 


Emersyn so far is exactly what I imagined. Easy, her birth was easy, feeding is easy, she just is content to be held and sleep. She has only been in our precence for about 18 hours but so far I could not feel more comfortable or confident as a mother. I had my second amazing child birth experience, have a beautiful daughter in my arms and can not feel any closer to my husband and we couldn't feel any closer to heaven. 


Yesterday Kaden and I were sadly reminded that Grandma Karen would not be on her way to the hospital to meet our new bundle of joy but were happily reminded that Emersyn already knew her. Maybe that is why my girls stay  in the whom as long as possible, they are not done learning from all of the people who love and care for them in heaven. Being in the presence of a newborn is like probably the closest anyone can get to witnessing pure innocence and perfection at once. Emerson's sweet spirit has already touched my heart in so many ways and reminded me how grateful I am to have an eternal family and the knowledge that I have of the plan of happiness. I'm not quite sure how anyone can experience such a pure miracle like birth or a baby and not see the spiritual connection. I know that just holding Emersyn makes me want to be a better wife, mother and person. I am reminded again with her in my arms of the role I have to care for my daughters and that there is no responsibility that could be more sacred than that of being a mother.